The other day I saw a sign that I thought needed a wider airing:
‘Teenagers, are you tired of being harassed by your stupid parents? Act now! Move out, get a job and pay your own bills while you still know everything.’
Yes, a good gag, but in the current economic climate, I worry whether they would find a job — or even be qualified enough to land one.
Second-rate: I have always suspected we were dimmer than the Chinese
Their chances will not have been helped by a shocking survey this week which showed that the reading standards of 15-year-olds in this country are one-and-a-half years behind the Chinese.
Do you know what that means? While your child is taking his or her GCSEs, a Chinese student of the same age could be sitting their A-levels.
But then I have always suspected we were dimmer than the Chinese.
It’s no wonder the Harrows and the Charterhouses in the private system search the Far East to get youngsters to join their sixth-forms since they perform disproportionately well in A-levels and raise the school average.
It’s no wonder the Harrows and the Charterhouses in the private system search the Far East to get youngsters to join their sixth-forms since they perform disproportionately well in A-levels and raise the school average.
behind the Chinese, but we’re also behind the Dutch, the Koreans, the New Zealanders . . . and even the Australians for God’s sake.
We need action. Parents must start supporting the teachers. It’s probably true if they say your little Tommy is a liar and possibly a thief. Get over it.
Trouble-makers and louts must be ejected from school. And if they simply walk the streets, so what? That’s how they are going to spend the rest of their lives anyway. It will be good practice.
Nobody owes this country a living. Either we work hard and learn — or one day we will resemble a Third World nation.
True story — I was stopped twice within 600 yards along London’s Hammersmith Broadway. First, by a man in his late 20s and next by a man in his 40s.
They both asked if I would stand for Prime Minister. Love to help but I’m busy at the moment. If things get worse, please contact me again.
According to official statistics, Nottinghamshire County Council must employ the biggest collection of sickie-throwers in Britain. In the past three months, the average number of sick days taken per person was 8.9 days — that’s more than every other Friday.
This works out at more than a month off a year. Private industry wouldn’t tolerate that. And yet taxpayers are funding these lead swingers. The idiots who run the council say the figure amounts to ‘significant progress’ towards its target of 8.5 sickie days a quarter!
People of Nottinghamshire rise up and throw out the limp-wristed council chiefs who either can’t or won’t take on the lazy and cunning workforce.
Emails about other examples of state idlers welcome.
I spoke at a Tory dinner the other night and on my table it became clear there was no particular affection for their MP, Crispin Blunt (Reigate, Surrey) who last year announced he was gay and was leaving his wife.
Crispin Blunt, who used to have a beard don't you know!
I said I thought his decision was rather brave but the constituency chairman said: ‘I was always a bit suspicious of him . . . at one stage he had a beard, you know.’
So that’s the clue! Study your MP’s photo very closely.
My big fast gypsy flag
Thank you for your many creative responses to my suggestion that the traditional gypsy flag with a wheel in the middle needs updating in light of the Dale Farm eviction fiasco. The winner is this photo of rubble by the roadside. You will be pleased to know I am reporting myself to the Press Complaints Commission for being anti-gypsy.
Considering the way England played in the Rugby World Cup, shouldn’t all the players have followed Manu Tuilagi’s example and jumped off the ferry in Auckland Harbour?
Wayne Rooney’s father says he will clear his name of football betting allegations after Liverpool beat Manchester United 2-1 at Anfield today.
This pollution problem is out of control. Only this morning I opened a tin of sardines. They were all dead and covered in oil.
Clearly John Humphreys wouldn't have been amused by my topic of choice
Thinking that I’d come up with a good idea, I contacted the producers of BBC’s Celebrity Mastermind. Why not let me compete on a Christmas special?
Yes, was the answer. What would be my specialist subject? Phone hacking.
There’s buckets of information on the subject that would not incur legal or broadcast problems but the line swiftly went dead. Shame.
It reminds me of the old gag about Terry Waite appearing on Mastermind. Specialist subject: Beirut Radiators 1987-1991.
The high jump for halfwits
My new charity Help for Halfwits (launched here last week and which parachutes thick youngsters into the empty spaces of Poland and Lithuania, where they can learn a new language and the work ethic) has received a resounding thumbs-up from readers, but, disappointingly, very little money.
Do give what you can, but in the meantime I have had to make painful cuts in the costs of the charity, starting with removing the parachutes from the planes. I’m sure you understand.
I’m rather taken by Paul McCartney. Sure I am jealous of his ability to keep his hairline and his waistline, but most of all I am impressed at his ability to keep old friends.
We all know that as you get older it’s easier to lose pals than to make them — their idiosyncrasies become more irritating over the years — so it was fascinating to study his wedding guest list.
Ringo Starr was there — a friendship that has lasted 50 years. George Harrison’s widow, Olivia (35 years a friend) was invited, as was John Lennon’s son Sean (36 years).
That turnout says a lot about the man.
A better policy
Madness: Soaring insurance costs for new drivers is simply going to lead to more uninsured drivers on our roads
The mother of a 17-year-old emails me to say her learner-driver son was quoted £3,000 for a 12-month insurance premium for a five-year-old Vauxhall Corsa. When he passes his test, the price will go up to £10,000.
Incredible! Could I suggest that we adopt Aussie laws where, in some states, youngsters can carry a maximum of just one passenger. This helps reduce accidents.
Either we adopt this kind of idea or there will be even more uninsured drivers on the roads.
Hacked off
On reflection, I owe an apology to Lord Leveson, the judge heading the inquiry set up in the wake of the News of the World phone-hacking scandal.
On Wednesday I made a speech to the hearing — with Lord Leveson only yards away — in which I was somewhat disparaging of his ability when, as a young QC, he failed to win a conviction for tax evasion charges against Ken Dodd.
Before I delivered my speech, he was very courteous to me and yet I repaid him by being disobliging. I shouldn’t have done it and I am sorry.
Rant: 60 euros for 3½ pints!
My rant last week about the price of lager in Cannes (60 euros for 3½ pints) prompted a clearly-overpaid reader to report that he has just coughed up 55 euros (£48.12) for Dublin Bay prawns (must have been sent by taxi from Ireland) at the Chantecler restaurant at the Negresco Hotel, Nice.
If your name isn’t Abramovich, keep clear of the South of France.
Putting Tiger on top again
I wonder if I could make a suggestion to help Tiger Woods recover his golfing genius.
It is almost two years since his missus discovered the extent of his dreadful addiction to large-breasted ladies in the Las Vegas area.
He apologised, but his wife ditched him and since that day he has not won a tournament — slipping from 1st to 52nd in the world rankings.
His rejection of the seamy side of life hasn’t helped his mood. He looks grumpy, plays grumpy and acts grumpy. He needs a new idea — and I’ve got it.
Go back to the ladies, Tiger: Since his wife ditched him, Woods has slipped from 1st to 52nd in the world rankings
Go back to the large-breasted ladies. OK, he’ll lose sponsorship from Nike, Rolex and the like, so what?
He will be back on the winner’s podium, he will smile again and golf will matter again.
Until then he will win nothing and the sport will suffer.
If golf is to keep the cash rolling in, the Professional Golfers’ Association should start paying for the ladies to visit him in hotel rooms.
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